The Cinephile's Guide to Graduating

So I recently realized that I'm going to graduate in less than a year. That is soon, dude. And I also realized that I have no clue how to go about it, you know? So I started doing some research, and I figured the best way to learn what life after college is really like is to go to the movies. Because movies are totally realistic and accurate depictions of life. Lucky for you, I've made a compendium of some of the best knowledge, wisdom, and advice out there for the soon-to-be-jobless like you and me!

The Graduate
Obviously the quintessential post-graduate classic. Benjamin Braddock has just graduated from college, has no idea what he wants to do with his life (“PLASTICS”), and ends up biding his time by getting embroiled in a messy affair with the married Mrs. Robinson… and then falling in love with her daughter, Elaine. In the end, Ben breaks up a wedding and runs away with the girl, but is still entirely unsure about the future and his relationship with Elaine. Surely one can learn much from his predicament.

…On the worth of that high-priced college education:
Mr. Braddock: Ben, what are you doing?
Benjamin: Well, I would say that I'm just drifting. Here in the pool.
Mr. Braddock: Why?
Benjamin: Well, it's very comfortable just to drift here.
Mr. Braddock: Have you thought about graduate school?
Benjamin: No.
Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me then what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?
Benjamin: You got me.

…On having a positive attitude:
Benjamin: I've had this feeling ever since I graduated. This kind of compulsion that I have to be rude all the time. Do you know what I mean?
Elaine: Yes, I do.

…And on the invaluableness of being young:
Mrs. Robinson: Elaine, it's too late.
Elaine: Not for me.


Reality Bites
The Graduate of the 90s. Lelaina, Vickie, Troy, and Sammy are a group of smart, talented, recently graduated friends who can’t get a single decent job in the current job market. They see each other through it all – failed relationships, HIV scares, homosexuality, you name it – and eventually Lelaina realizes she’s in love with Troy, the possibly brilliant but unmotivated loser with the emotional capacity of a five-year-old. Sweet. And so chock full of life lessons.

…On being overqualified:
Lelaina: I'm not going to work at the Gap for Chrissake!

Charlane McGregor: Why don't you get a job at the Burgerrama? They'll hire you! My Lord, I saw on the TV - they had this little retarded boy working the register.
Lelaina: Because I'm not retarded, Mom. I was the valedictorian of my University!
Wes McGregor: Well, you don’t have to put that on your application.

…On ambition:
Lelaina: Hey, Sammy, what's your goal?
Sammy: My goal is... I'd like a career or something.

…On the Brady Bunch’s relevance to life:
Lelaina: I just don't understand why things just can't go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy Dyer: Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don't turn out like that.

…On what makes a good boyfriend:
Troy Dyer: You can't navigate me. I may do mean things, and I may hurt you, and I may run away without your permission, and you may hate me forever, and I know that scares the living shit outta you 'cause you know I'm the only real thing you got.

…On being condescending to those more successful than you:
Troy Dyer: He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented.

Troy Dyer: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.


Into the Wild
A good cautionary tale for post-grads – all that thinking and reading could actually land you in Alaska where you’ll starve to death! Christopher McCandless (who later renames himself “Alexander Supertramp”) gets tired of the shallow, material things in life and sets out to live more simply, “in the wild.” And then he dies. But not before imparting some key wisdom for the recently graduated.

…On maintaining a good relationship with your parents:
Chris: I don't understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often…
Wayne: What "people" we talking about?
Chris: You know, parents, hypocrites, politicians, pricks.

…On building a successful career:
Chris: Mr. Franz I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.

…On getting girls:
Rainey: That poor girl's just about ready to vault herself onto your fencepost.

…On enjoying the simple things in life:
Chris: You’re the best apple I’ve ever eaten! You’re the apple of my eye. I'm supertramp… and you're super apple!

…On living on nothing but plants:
Chris: I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.

…On thinking a lot:
Wayne Westerberg: It's a mistake to get too deep into all that kind of stuff. Alex, you're a hell of a young guy, a hell of a young guy. But I promise you this. You're a young guy! Can't be juggling blood and fire all the time!


The Devil Wears Prada
Sometimes life after college is all about paying the rent. You get a horrible, soul-sucking job just to get by… and then become a fashion-obsessed fembot! It’s terrible. And thus is Andy’s story. Andrea (Andy) Sachs gets a job as assistant to high-powered Runway editor Miranda Priestley, gets better hair, drops a dress size, and manages to pay the rent – but loses all her friends and her hot boyfriend in the process. After college you need to learn to prioritize a lot: Adrian Grenier or Fendi purse?

…On giving a good job interview:
Miranda Priestly: Details of your incompetence do not interest me.

…On nutrition:
Emily: You don't deserve them, I mean you eat carbs, for Chrissake!

Nigel: Corn chowder. That's an interesting choice. You do know that cellulite is one of the main ingredients in corn chowder.

…On not getting fired:
Richard Sachs: What does she want you to do, call the National Guard and have her airlifted out of there?
Andy: Of course not. Could I do that?

…On integrity (i.e. you have none in this economic climate, of course):
Nate: I wouldn't care if you were out there pole-dancing all night, as long as you did it with a little integrity!


St. Elmo’s Fire
Ah, The Graduate of the 80s! How could anyone skip this gem? With no less than seven post-grads as main characters, it’s a must-see for anyone looking to navigate life outside the dorm. There are too many plotlines for me to bother with, though, so very briefly: Jules is rich and slutty, Kirby has no chance with Andie McDowell, Rob Lowe is a drunk sax player, Kevin is pathetic, Alec and Leslie are boring and a couple, and Wendy is a virgin. See the inherent drama? I’m sure you can relate to at least one of those dilemmas.

…On staying in touch:
Kirby: I always thought we'd be friends forever.
Kevin: Yeah, well forever got a lot shorter all of a sudden.

…On five-year plans:
Wendy: We're really worried about this affair with your boss.
Jules: I don't know why you're both so worried... So, I bop him for a couple of years, get his job when he gets his hands caught in the vault, do a black mink ad, retire in utter disgrace, then write a best seller and be a fabulous host on my own talk show...

…On commitment:
Kevin: Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is obsolete.
Alec: Dinosaurs are obsolete. Marriage is still around.

…On how you’re never, ever, ever going to get a job after you graduate:
Kevin: You know there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that.

Billy: So you lost your job? I've lost twenty of them since graduation. Plus a wife and kid. And, in a new development this morning, a handful of hair in the shower drain.

…On making it work:
Jules: I thought you were taking steps to phase out everything that wasn't working in your life.
Wendy: That doesn't leave much.

…On relationship advice:
Kevin: Never trust a woman who says she isn't angry.


Lost in Translation
After you graduate, existential crises are likely to abound. Your husband will drag you to other countries where you have no job or friends, where you will realize that you also have no ambitions or actual love for your husband. It’s best to deal with these problems by wandering Tokyo with a depressed Bill Murray at your side.

…On finding yourself:
Bob: What are you doing?
Charlotte: My husband's a photographer, so he's here working. I wasn't doing anything so I came along.
Bob: What do you do?
Charlotte: I'm not sure yet, actually.

…On being humble:
John: Why do you have to point out how stupid everyone is all the time?

…On making small talk with people with whom you have nothing in common:
Kelly: And we both have two dogs, and we both live in L.A., so we have all these different things in common.

…On courage:
Bob: Are you in or you out?
Charlotte: I'm in. I'll go pack my stuff.
Bob: I hope that you've had enough to drink. It's going to take courage.

…On unwinding:
Bob: For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.


About Last Night…
When you graduate, you might also decide to shack up with your one-night stand and hope for the best, like Debbie and Danny. However, you will inevitably grow to hate each other, cheat on each, and eventually move back in together, content in the knowledge that there’s really nothing better out there, and it’s better to be unemployed with a buddy.

…On dating:
Joan: Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else.

…On love:
Steve Carlson: I thought we had something kind of special.
Debbie: No, it was kind of sleazy. And now... it's kind of over.

…On sacrifice:
Danny: Hey, know one thing - I never screwed around on you.
Debbie: Oh, well, let's just give the boy a medal! I didn't realize it was such a sacrifice.

…On sex:
Joan: 'And the Virgin Mary descended upon... '
Kid: What's a virgin?
Joan: A virgin is someone who's never had sex.
Kid: What's sex?
Joan: Sex is something men and women do to make a baby.
Kid: Are you a virgin?
Joan: No.
Kid: Do you have a baby?
Joan: No… people who don't want babies also have sex.
Kid: What for?
Joan: For about 10 or 15 minutes.


Adventureland
So James just graduated and he thought Mommy and Daddy would pay for him to go backpack around Europe and go to the graduate school of his choice – but, nay. So he has to work at a theme park. Laaame. But he (inexplicably, in my opinion) gets lots of action along the way and learns… stuff.

…On partying safely without a resident assistant around:
Frigo: Don't get all drunk and fall asleep.
James: Why?
Frigo: 'Cause I'll jack off on your face.

…On taking pride in your job, no matter how challenging it may get:
James: We are doing the work of pathetic, lazy, morons.

…On prioritizing:
Joel: You get a five minute bathroom break every two hours. I recommend saving a few of those up in case you have to go number two.

Joel: If someone wins a giant assed panda on your watch you should just go home cause you're fired, OK?

…On the primal, manly need to bang lots of chicks:
Mike Connell: That's the way we are wired. It's the way we're wired. It sucks but it's just a fact of nature. It's also tragic.

…On reality:
James: My estimate for the Europe trip was a little off.
Mrs. Brennan: I suggest you get a job.
James: A summer job?
Mr. Brennan: Happy graduation, kiddo.